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September 4, 2008

I've done all the fiddling I'm gonna do for awhile with Chapter Forty-One of Oprah's Dead Son. Here's an excerpt. Don't count on ever seeing it in print 'cause the only books you're ever gonna see in print are moneygrubbing bullshit books written by moneygrubbing bullshit writers, doctored-up by moneygrubbing bullshit agents, published by moneygrubbing bullshit publishers, promoted by moneygrubbing bullshit media dweebs and nd made into movies by moneygrubbing bullshit movie agents. Oh, in case anyone thinks the excerpt sounds "anti-Semitic," keep in mind it's fiction and that characters in novels are apt to say all sorts of silly things:

OPRAH'S DEAD SON Chapter Forty-one (excerpt) "Nothing you've said all day isn't anti-Semitic," Oprah says. "Cool. I must be on the right track. You've been brainwashed to believe there's nothing worse in the world than anti-Semitism. If you see or hear something that looks or sounds as if it may be vaguely critical of Israel or Jews in general or some random Jew in particular, you close your eyes, hold your hands over your ears and squawk like a chicken. Ayone perceived as anti-Semitic gets ignored, dismissed, called crazy. It's a closed, self-fulfilling, self-aggrandizing system, out of which not the slightest sliver of truth can ever hope to escape." "And you want to open it up? See to it somehow that uppity, moneygrubbing Jews get taken down a peg or two?" "Nope. I don't care what uppity, moneygrubbing Jews do, but I wouldn't mind it if you had the slightest clue that what I'm saying might just be a tiny bit true. It's a lot to ask, I know. The truth is anti-Semitic. It should be avoided at all costs. Try saying something anti-Semitic on your show someday. I dare you. You'll be off the air by the time they come back from the next commercial." "What did Jews ever do to you?" Oprah frowns. "Normal, nice, everyday, sweetiepie Jews who eat bagels and laugh at each other's jokes? Nothing. I like nice Jews. But the sniveling, sanctimonious Nazi Jews who run the media and entertainment monopoly pissed me off." "For not paying any attention to your stupid hippie book?" "Yep. And for being smug, smarmy, thoughtless Nazi thugs who rot a billion brains a day for the sake of making money. It's not just my stupid hippie book, it's any book worth reading or writing, anything worth knowing, anything that's not giddy, giggly, pop culture puke or fatuous, frivolous, facile drivel. The human mind has been turned into fascist, moneygrubbing mush in the past sixty years. The only things that are ever allowed into your consciousness are things that conform to the parameters of Nazi propaganda, period. If it doesn't make money you can't know it 'cause anything that doesn't make money isn't worth knowing. Those are the new parameters of Nazi propaganda. You can look 'em up in The New Nazi Propaganda Manual. It's put out by the Jews and guys who kiss up to Jews who run every aspect of media and entertainment from The New York Times to MTV—Rolling Stone, Comedy Central, Conde Nast, The Weinstein Company, Republicans, Democrats, publicists, agents, managers, you name it. Nazi propaganda pisses me off. When someone pisses me off I try to piss 'em off back. It's the least I can do." "In your own mind, maybe." "My own mind's what matters. Hitler would've pissed me off. I would've tried to piss him off back. Si Newhouse and Sumner Redstone and Peter Chernin and Charlie Rose piss me off. I hope there's something I can do someday to piss them off back. If you don't at least try to piss off the people who piss you off you might as well check yourself into Dachau—that's where you're living anyway..." Read the whole chapter and the previous two chapter here. Or not.

If you wanna listen to some sample chapters from The Audio Book of Ginny Good, click this:

http://everyonewhosanyone.com/ggsyn.html

Here's the real book of Ginny Good in its entirety for free (everything I do is free):

http://everyonewhosanyone.com/ggsyn1.html

If you want a copy of the whole huge fifteen-hour audio book extravaganza on .mp3 CDs, give me an address and I'll send you a copy. There's a bunch of other stuff on my little website, too. Click some links and see. Thanks. G.

Gerard Jones
everyone@everyonewhosanyone.com
http://www.everyonewhosanyone.com

"...they'll have me whipped for speaking true, thou'lt
have me whipped for lying; and sometimes I am
whipped for holding my peace. I had rather be any
kind o' thing than a fool: and yet I would not be
thee, nuncle..."

General Electric Company
3135 Easton Turnpike
Fairfield, CT 06431
(203) 373-2211

(NBC Universal)

http://www.ge.com

NBC Universal
100 Universal City Plaza
Universal City, CA 91608
(818) 777-1000

http://www.nbcuni.com

Dear Mr. Jones: We disagree with virtually everything you have written below, particularly the part about how the posting of our internal information on the World Wide Web is for your own "private and personal" use. Since your site was created, we have seen a marked increase in the amount of spam e-mails regarding unsolicited screenplays being sent to our executives. As I previously mentioned, we have a policy of not reviewing unsolicited submissions, so each e-mail is deleted immediately. The spam serves no purpose, does not have the desired effect of creating an entree into the film business, and is usually sent to lawyers or financial people (all listed on your site) who have no input on the creative side of the business. From our perspective, it is a huge nuisance, and takes away from the productivity of our people. Submissions by mail are one thing, and much easier to handle, but spam e-mails are a constant, daily irritation, and waste our time. You can do a simple search and find numerous web sites and groups devoted to the reduction, if not elimination, of spam. We share their views.

If you remove the Universal e-mail addresses from your site, then we will withdraw our complaint with Dotster. We are primarily concerned with the reduction of spam. Sincerely, Carolyn A. Hampton, Vice President - Litigation Counsel, NBC Universal

Dear Ms. Hampton: How can you disagree with simple statements of fact?

1) The formula for sending an e-mail to an employee of NBC Universal is firstname.lastname@nbcuni.com. Big whoop.

2) The Internet is crammed with information about the employees of NBC Universal. Do a Google search. I found the names of pertinent employees and put them on my website in order to more readily let them know about opportunities to make better movies than have ever been made at NBC Universal, in order to do them a favor, in other words.

If Jeff Immelt saw that he could realize a profit of hundreds of millions of dollars by making the best movie ever made he would be doing the shareholders of GE a disservice by ignoring that opportunity to do so. Get it? So I sent him and others at NBC Universal an e-mail informing them of the existence of such a project. One man's spam is another man's filet mignon. Those who have ears, hear, yadda, yadda.

3) When you guys stop advertising your products, I'll quit advertising mine. How about that?

4) If you care to read an article about the genesis of the everyonewhosanyone website read this:

http://www.mobylives.com/Jones_EWA.html

In a nutshell, I was looking for a simple way to contact agents, editors, publishers and movie guys, couldn't find one, made one up myself and made it available for other people to use for free 'cause that's the kind of guy I am. Nice.

You, on the other hand, did not inform me of your complaint but went directly to the registrar of my domain name and to my ISP and lied to them about my activities, the nature of my website and the content of my e-mails. I sent copies of your scurrilous attempt to shut down my site to other, more senior, executives at NBC Universal and you reported that as spam. Sheesh. What kind of solipsistic tree fort do you live in?

I've spent thousands of hours building my little website, but its sole function is and was and always has been and always will be to get people to read my work and to listen to the gorgeous, free audio book I've made out of GINNY GOOD. As for my own e-mails, which I do not in the least regard as spam, I'll keep sending 'em to whomever I think might have brains enough to recognize a worthwhile project when he or she sees it...and I would very much appreciate it if you would quit reporting my valid, legal, well-considered e-mails as "spam" to my ISP.

There's no telling where a good idea might come from, finance guys, lawyer chicks, secretaries, CEOs, etc. You guys make movies. I make books that would make good movies. You advertise your products, I advertise mine. It's America, land of the free, home of the brave...free speech, free press, right? You're a lawyer, you must at some point have glanced at the Bill of Rights, right? "Congress shall make no law...abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press..."

Oh, you're still welcome to listen to my free audio book, by the way:

http://everyonewhosanyone.com/audio/

You're in for a treat. Trust me. Heh. G.

Gerard Jones
everyone@everyonewhosanyone.com
http://everyonewhosanyone.com

cc: Rick Cotton

Mr. Jones: You did NOT solve the problem. By posting your e-mail which gives the "formula" for our e-mail addresses, plus the names, you are still inviting anyone out there to spam our executives. In addition, many of the executives listed on your site no longer work for our company. So much for your "research." As far as we are concerned, our complaint stands until you remove the "formula." Sincerely, Carolyn A. Hampton

Ms. Hampton: The e-mail addresses to which you refer were and are common knowledge, freely available through a cursory search of the Internet using Google and a little common sense. If anyone, it's Google you should be trying to shut down. Now you want me to remove common sense from my website, as well? Wow. Go for it. If your Gestapo tactics succeed in getting my website shut down, GE and its subsidiaries will be the laughing stock of generations of freedom loving Americans. "Imagination at work." Ha! Good luck. You can't take anything away from me. GE could liquidate its assets and spend all $800 billion trying to come up with a more valuable work of art than the audio book of GINNY GOOD and it would fail. What it would come up with would be the brainwashed schlock that is its current stock in trade. And I'm giving the audio book of GINNY GOOD away for free. Pretty cool, huh? If you want to provide me with more accurate information vis-a-vis the current roster of your executives, I'd appreciate it; otherwise I'll just rely on my admittedly flawed research. Thanks. G.

cc: Rick Cotton, John Eck, Ron Meyer (NBC Universal); Jeffrey Immelt, Gary Reiner, Ben Heineman (GE); Elliot Schrage (Google)

Universal Pictures
100 Universal City Plaza
Universal City, CA 91608
(818) 777-1000

http://www.universalpictures.com

***Redacted***

So solicit it. How simple is that? Oh, if you want the book to have an agent, here's its agent:

Laura Strachan
query@strachanlit.com

Shoot her a quick note and, as I said in my original e-mail, I'm sure she'll be glad to send you a review copy. Thanks. G.

cc: Scott Stuber

Universal Pictures International
Prospect House, 80-110 Nex Oxford St.
London WC1A 1HB

Imagine Entertainment
9465 Wilshire Blvd., 7th Flr.
Beverly Hills, CA 90212
(310) 858-2000

(The Montecito Picture Company)

http://www.imagine-entertainment.com

Oh, man, I'm blacklisted by Opie...woe, oh, woe. G.

The Montecito Picture Company
1482 East Valley Road, Suite 477
Montecito, CA 93108
(805) 565-8590

Jersey Shore
130 W. 57th St., Ste. 11B
New York, NY 10019
(212) 333-3377

Double Feature Films
10351 Santa Monica Blvd., Ste. 200
Los Angeles, CA 90025
(310) 203-1000

Yari Film Group
10850 Wilshire Blvd, 6th Flr.
Los Angeles, CA 90024
(310) 234-8975

(Bob Yari Productions, Stratus Films, Bull's Eye Entertainment, TriYar, Brightlight Pictures, Blackfriars Bridge)

Stratus Films
10850 Wilshire Blvd., Suite 1050
Los Angeles, CA 90024
(310) 234-8970

TriYar
10850 Wilshire Blvd., Ste. 1050
Los Angeles, CA 90024
(310) 475-5819

Brightlight Pictures
3500 Cornett Road, Bldg N
Vancouver, BC, V5M 2H5
(604) 453-4710

http://www.brightlightpictures.com

Terra Firma Films
100 Universal City Plaza, Bldg. 5164
Universal City, CA 91608
(818) 777-4457

Mandalay Pictures
4751 Wilshire Blvd., 3rd Flr.
Los Angeles, CA 90010
(323) 549-4300

http://www.mandalay.com

Morgan Creek Productions
10351 Santa Monica Blvd., Ste. 200
Los Angeles, CA 90025
(310) 432-4848

http://www.morgancreek.com

Focus Features
65 Bleecker St., 3rd Flr.
New York, NY 10012
(212) 539-4000

100 Universal City Plaza, Bldg. 9128, Rm. 2
Universal City, CA 91608
(818) 777-7373

Oxford House, 76 Oxford Street
London W1D 1BS

(Random House Films, Rogue Pictures, River Road Entertainment, Deacon Entertainment)

http://www.focusfeatures.com

***Redacted***

Dear Cecilia: I have the contact information of upwards of six thousand agents, editors, production executives, etc. on my website. I put them there 'cause I want an easy way to get in touch with them vis-a-vis my writing. The specific piece of writing I want them to hear about at the moment is a book called GINNY GOOD. It's one of the best, most important books ever written in all American literature. I want to get a movie made out of it. Amy Kaufman makes movies. The way I look at it is that I'm doing her a favor, so I'm leaving her e-mail address on the website. That's not exactly a question, but I thought I'd e-mail you anyway. Thanks. G.

cc: Amy Kaufman, EVP Production

Oh, here's the original e-mail I sent, in case you missed it the first time. G.

***Redacted***

Dear Amy: I appreciate you asking yourself, but I simply don't remove anyone's e-mail address from my website. I went to a lot of trouble to FIND your e-mail address. When an e-mail address bounces, like, say, Spielberg's, Eastwood's or Julia Roberts's, I stick up the e-mail address of his or her agent or attorney, Lovett's or Ramer's, etc. I'm partly making a list (and checking it twice) of people who've, for whatever reason, ignored the opportunity to make a movie out of the best book published anywhere in the world thus far this century. I will, however, mention that you immediately discard (unsolicited) submissions, and I hope as much you do that people will be discouraged from sending you unsolicited stuff...that way they at least won't be misled. My little website is solely for my own use. I don't mind my e-mails being immediately discarded. I know how good I am...and how good Ginny Good is...whether I or it gets ignored or not. Thanks. G.

***Redacted***

I prefer not to. G.

***Redacted***

Oh, my gosh, for at least a million reasons. Number one, you're a fairly heavy-duty acquisitions chick for a fairly heavy-duty movie production company and I've written a book that will make one of the best movies that will ever be made in the 21st Century which, if you had any brains whatsoever, you would be grateful to know about. Go read it and see. Number two, I don't remove anyone from my little list as a matter of company policy. Number three, I'm creating a record for future historians. When some Chinese scholar is digging around in the rubble of American culture to find causes for the rise and fall of what was once the richest, sweetest, kindest, most powerful nation on earth, he or she will see your name on the list of people who prevented anything worth reading or writing from being written or read or made into a movie and will make the correct assumption that it was that arrogance and that greed and that ignorance that undermined the heart and soul and morality of an otherwise pretty cool country. Numbers four through one million, I LIKE having your name on my little list. For your sake. You might learn something worth learning from the experience. Thanks. G.

***Redacted***

So this is some OTHER Amy Kaufman? You're NOT the tiger in cargo pants from Needham, Mass. they're talking about in the NY Observer? Man, she's the one I should be talking to. What's her e-mail address? G.

...If you were drawing up a short list of the movies that grabbed the hearts and minds of New York's media elite this year, Sofia Coppola's Lost in Translation, François Ozon's Swimming Pool and Alejandro Gonzalez Iñárritu's 21 Grams would all place. Oscar speculation aside, these were movies that felt fresh and aware of the world in which they were made.

And if you were looking for one person who was involved in putting all three of those movies into theaters, you would look no further than the Noho office of Focus Features executive Amy Kaufman, a 31-year-old acquisitions executive with great taste in filmmakers and smart ideas for bringing them into Focus' fold.

Since being named Focus' executive vice president of acquisitions and co-production in August 2002, Ms. Kaufman has put her degree in international relations from the University of Pennsylvania to good use. She played key roles in securing domestic-distribution rights for Swimming Pool and 21 Grams, and solidified a business relationship between Focus and Pedro Almodovar's production company, El Deseo. Most importantly, she cannily parlayed Focus' foreign-distribution rights for Lost in Translation into the coveted job of distributing the film domestically, a coup that should mean dividends for the company come Oscar-nomination time.

"I love the filmmakers that I work with," gushed Ms. Kaufman from behind her desk. She wore green cargo pants, a snazzy black pullover and her wavy hair below shoulder length. "I see myself not only as a tastemaker, but someone who has a good sense of what the marketplace is like."

The Needham, Mass., native's understanding of the marketplace began with an internship at MGM, followed by a stint as an assistant to producer Scott Rudin. From there she moved to Miramax, where she met her mentor, David Linde, who brought Ms. Kaufman with him when he moved to independent-film pioneers James Schamus and Ted Hope's company, Good Machine, where he ran the international division. There, Ms. Kaufman—who is fluent in Spanish—served as the executive producer of Alfonso Cuaron's Y Tu Mamá, También and learned from Mr. Schamus' 11-year relationship with director Ang Lee, and from Good Machine's motto, that good business meant good relationships with filmmakers, not necessarily paying top dollar for them. When Mr. Schamus and Mr. Linde moved to Focus, Ms. Kaufman followed. "James and I have an innate trust in Amy's taste in talent," Mr. Linde said. "She's also a tiger."...

***Redacted***

Well, whatever you now work in you're still a pretty heavy-duty chick who should read my beautiful book and make a movie out of it. If you want me to send you a signed copy, let me know. Otherwise, you can just go buy a copy. Thanks. G.

***Redacted***

Why not? G.

Working Title Films
9720 Wilshire Blvd., 4th Flr.
Beverly Hills, CA 90212
(310) 777-3100

76 Oxford St., Oxford House
London W1N 9FD
+44-20 7307 3000

http://www.workingtitlefilms.com

***Redacted***

Hey, Christina, I was a paralegal! Listen to this to hear all about it...maybe you'll learn a thing or two. Thanks. G.

http://everyonewhosanyone.com/audio/GGch01m.mp3

***Redacted***

Hey, Angela, there are several flaws in the logic of your e-mail. First, it's not a "submission," I simply brought to your attention a book that's gonna make an extraordinarily good movie. Second, I included the name and e-mail address of "an established literary agent," as well as the name and e-mail address of the publisher, who has an entertainment attorney on his staff. Since "this submission will therefore not be read," I can certainly understand how these flaws occured so I'm not blaming you in the least, but my original e-mail is still below your response and the bottom line is that if you want me to send you a free, signed copy of Ginny Good, let me know. What you do with it is up to you. Thanks again. G.

***Redacted***

Rules were made to be broken, Socrates or someone slick once said. And although it's generous of you to decline my offer of a free book, you can always just go buy a copy and decide all on your own that you want to make a gorgeous movie out of it. Thanks. G.

***Redacted***

Hey, Amelia, you're welcome. Frankly, however, when it comes San Francisco in the sixties, which is where the sixties were set, there is no competitive project. If you're only ever going to do one movie set in the sixties and want what you're working on to be at all authentic, you should take a look at Ginny Good anyway. Here's what Nick Clee had to say about it in the Guardian awhile back:

http://books.guardian.co.uk/review/story/0,12084,1226356,00.html

If you want me to send you a copy, let me know. Thanks again. G.

Dino De Laurentis Company
100 Universal City Plaza, Bungalow 5195
Universal CIty, CA 91608
(818) 777-2111

Reveille, LLC.
100 Universal City Plaza, Bldg. 5180
Universal City, CA 91608

Imagemovers
100 Universal City Plaza, Bldg. 484
Universal City, CA 91608
(818) 733-8313

As a matter of long-standing policy, we do not accept unsolicited submissions. Accordingly, your email will not be read, considered, copied or forwarded. Please do not attempt to resubmit this or any other material to us.

Wolf Films
100 Universal City Plaza, Bldg 6111
Universal City, CA 91608
(818) 777-1236

Shady Acres Entertainment
100 Universal City Plaza, Bldg 6111
Universal City, CA 91608
(818) 777-4446

Dark Horse Entertainment
421 S. Beverly Dr.
Beverly Hills, CA 90212
(310) 789-4751

http://www.darkhorseentertainment.com

Gerard, And I thought I was just trying to make good comics and movies...Best, Mike

Hey, Mike, you probably are but I had to come up with an e-mail that would "resonate" with the vast majority of the 6,000 people on my little list. I'm sure it wasn't descriptive of everyone. I'm not the comic book Gerard Jones, by the way. He's way nicer than me. Thanks. G.

Type A Films
100 Universal City Plaza, Bldg. 1320, Rm. 2-E
Universal City, CA 91608
(818) 777-6222

Sommers Company
204 Santa Monica Blvd., Ste. A
Santa Monica, CA 90401
(310) 917-9200

http://www.sommerscompany.com

Casey Silver Productions
506 Santa Monica Blvd., Ste. 322
Santa Monica, CA 90401
(310) 566-3750

Kennedy/Marshall Company
619 Arizona Avenue
Santa Monica, CA 90401
(310) 656-8400

(Zaloom Film)

http://www.kennedymarshall.com

Roberts/David Films
100 Universal City Plaza, T6139
Universal City, CA 91608
(818) 733-2143

http://www.robertsdavidfilms.com

Bravo
3000 W. Alameda Ave.
Burbank, CA 91523

(@) = Not a corporate fascist. (Feel free to apply for non-corporate fascist status...simply tell me in fifty words or fewer why you think you're not a corporate fascist.)

(*) = E-mail bounced. Correct information much appreciated. In fact, anyone who knows anything I don't know, let me know.

(!) = E-mail blocked (just mine, not yours), probably 'cause the intended recipient and/or the company by which he or she is owned and operated is an extra brainwashed, super chicken, corporate fascist goon.

(666) = Asked not to be contacted (by me, not by you), very likely because he or she is a happy little slave boy or a happy little slave girl and doesn't want it any other way, uh-huh, uh-huh.

Gerard Jones
everyone@everyonewhosanyone.com