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May 11, 2008

My poor stupid Oprah book isn't ever gonna get done. The latest thing I'm calling it is Oprah's Dead Son. Maybe I'll make it a pome, instead. All advertising is spam. Here's Ginny Good in its entirety:

http://everyonewhosanyone.com/ggsyn1.html

Here are some sample chapters from The Audio Book of Ginny Good.

Chapter 7: North Beach, New Year's Eve, 1962
http://everyonewhosanyone.com/audio/GGch07m.mp3

Chapter 13: San Francisco, Tijuana, Mississippi, New York, Summer, 1964
http://everyonewhosanyone.com/audio/GGch13m.mp3

Chapter 19: La Honda, May, 1965
http://everyonewhosanyone.com/audio/GGch19m.mp3

Chapter 23: Haight-Ashbury, Fall, 1967, Part 1
http://everyonewhosanyone.com/audio/GGch23m.mp3

Chapter 24: Haight-Ashbury, Fall, 1967, Part 2
http://everyonewhosanyone.com/audio/GGch24m.mp3

Chapter 32: Hillsborough, CA, Summer, 1982
http://everyonewhosanyone.com/audio/GGch32m.mp3

Chapter 35: Ashland, OR, February, 2003
http://everyonewhosanyone.com/audio/GGch35m.mp3

Here's the index to the audio book:

http://everyonewhosanyone.com/ggsyn.html

If you want a copy of the whole huge fifteen-hour extravaganza on .mp3 CDs for free, give me an address and I'll send you a copy. There's a bunch of other stuff on my little website, too. Click some links and see. Thanks. G.

Gerard Jones
everyone@everyonewhosanyone.com
http://www.everyonewhosanyone.com

"...they'll have me whipped for speaking true, thou'lt
have me whipped for lying; and sometimes I am
whipped for holding my peace. I had rather be any
kind o' thing than a fool: and yet I would not be
thee, nuncle..."

Macmillan Book Publishing Group
20 New Wharf Road
London N1 9RR

Macmillan Publishers Limited
Brunel Road, Houndmills
Basingstoke
Hampshire RG21 6XS

(Pan Macmillan, Picador, Palgrave, Sidgwick & Jackson, Papermac)

http://www.macmillan.co.uk

http://www.palgrave.com

Dear Gerard: I'm not sure the criteria you're using for putting people on your excellent data base, but I wonder if you could include me, Jason Cooper

Dear Jason: The criteria I use is pure serendipity backed up by fact checking—you were a 2003 Editorial Fellow through the Jerusalem Book Fair, for example. And by finding that out, I found some other good editors I didn't know about. Of course I'll include you, and anyone else at Macmillan I've left out. It really takes no time at all to keep my little directory up to date and I enjoy doing it. Here's a free chapter from my little audio book with some Brit named Lonnie Donegan singing my favorite song for you. Thanks. G.

http://everyonewhosanyone.com/audio/GGch05m.mp3

Penguin Books Ltd.
80 Strand
London, WC2R 0RL

(Penguin, Penguin Paperbacks, Penguin Press, Hamish Hamilton, Michael Joseph, Viking)

http://www.penguin.co.uk

Sorry, but I don't think this is for me or the Viking UK list.

Dear Juliet: Thanks for taking a quick look and getting back to me. Sorry such a gorgeous, funny, smart, sexy, thoughtful novel; a novel that has something to say, a novel people will keep buying and buying and buying for decades to come, etc. isn't right for you. Oh, well. I suppose I could just write ephemeral fluff like everyone else, but what fun would that be? The tougher the nut the sweeter the meat. Let me know if you change your mind. Here's part of what the Viking UK list is missing out on. It's got some Beatles stuff. Thanks again. G.

http://everyonewhosanyone.com/audio/GGch26m.mp3

Dear Gerard, Many thanks for sending me the synopsis and first chapter of your new novel. Sadly, it doesn't look quite right for the Hamish Hamilton list, but I'd definitely show it to other editors—and possibly agents. I hope that you find the right home for it. All best, Simon

Dear Simon: Thanks for taking a look and getting back to me. I've showed it to upwards of 500 agents and editors, all of whom have been scared off by the fact that the protagonist had a dream during an epileptic seizure which included Oprah Winfrey. This book will truly win every prize for literature there is and will also sell more copies over the next fifty years than Catcher in the Rye and Lord of the Flies combined, but it won't ever get published because no agent or editor is brave enough to read it and understand that for himself. This is not directed at you, per se, by the way, but at the ephemeral, superficial, incestuous, tried and true, cookie-cutter publishing industry in general. Thanks again. G.

Dear Mr. Jones, Thanks for sending me the sample, but not for me, I'm afraid. I hope you have better luck elsewhere. Yours, Tony Lacey

Dear Tony: This is going to be another one of those ones that got away. This book would win every prize for literature there is but it won't ever get published because no agent or editor is brave enough to read it and understand that for himself. Thanks again. G.

Hey, Judy, thanks. I'll fix things. Let me know if you want to see a review copy of GINNY GOOD. The UK rights haven't been sold yet and the people who have read it are gushing all over themselves (and me) about it. Thanks. G.

Orion Publishing Group
Orion House
5 Upper St. Martin's Lane
London WC2H 9EA

(Orion Books, Gollancz, Weidenfeld & Nicolson, Cassell Military)

http://www.orionbooks.co.uk

Update, March, 2006

Dear Gerard, Yes, I'd noticed the change in your website's name. The rest is, I guess, fair comment, but I do slightly object to 'Nazi'. Best wishes, Malcolm Edwards

Dear Malcolm: As I say on the site I was told "Nazi" was a word to which people would object, and they have, but when everything one is allowed to see and hear and read is so thoroughly vetted, censored, spun and otherwise manipulated to maximize its potential to make money (and not lose money) and minimize its content vis-a-vis truth and beauty and art, the propaganda apparatus that achieves that end looks to me like the mechanisms Joseph Goebbels used to bulldoze the German people into thinking it was okay to do some pretty horrific shit. I'm saying what I think and what I see, is all. I bet you wish more people would have done so in 1938 and 1939. I do. I'm not going to be heard, of course...as anyone who objected to Hitler's vision would not have been heard in 1938 or 1939. It's a slightly different kind of Nazism, naturally, but its Nazism nonetheless. I'm going to be finished fiddling with a whole 'nother book about it one of these days. It's rare to come up with more than one book worth writing. GINNY GOOD was worth writing. So is this next one. I'll probably never finish it, however. Oh, well. I pretty much know what it's going to say, anyway. Thanks. G.

Oh, go hear what Mario Savio had to say about free speech forty years ago if you have time. The whole chapter isn't quite twenty minutes long but you can listen to it while you're doing other things:

http://everyonewhosanyone.com/audio/GGch08m.mp3

Random House
20 Vauxhall Bridge Road
London SW1V 2SA

(Arrow, Jonathan Cape, Secker & Warburg, Cedar, Ebury, Chatto & Windus, Century, William Heinemann, Hutchinson, Vintage)

http://www.randomhouse.co.uk

Update: December 17, 2007

Random House and Transworld Publishers, UK have blacklisted my poor, innocent, woebegone little e-mail address. Oh, well, I'm sure they've buried or burned all the books worth reading or writing they've come across in the last twenty years, too...to make room for the putrid schlock they publish and promote by the boatload. If anyone working for the fascist twats wants to read a book worth reading or writing, read this:

http://everyonewhosanyone.com/ggsyn1.html

It's free. Like me. Thanks. G.

Hi Gerard, Could you update my details please? I was at Little, Brown UK but am now Commissioning Editor at Random House UK. This is my email address. Thanks! Vanessa

Hey, Vanessa, all fixed. I'm coming out with a big update pretty soon so anything else you know of that I got wrong, let me know. Thanks. G.

Oops, my e-mail address has been "blacklisted" by Random House UK Ltd., so I can't tell you that I've added your "details" to my list. Oh, well. I could use a different e-mail address, I suppose, but if people want to wall themselves off from anything and everything worth reading or writing, whose loss is that? Not mine. Oh, oh, also, since Random House UK has my e-mail address blacklisted like a bunch of totalitarian fascists.

Transworld Publishers
61-63 Uxbridge Road
London W5 5SA

(Corgi, Black Swan)

http://www.booksattransworld.co.uk

Little, Brown Book Group
Brettenham House
Lancaster Place
London WC2E 7EN

(Abacus, Little, Brown, Atom Books, Time Warner Books, Virago Press, Orbit)

http://www.littlebrown.co.uk

Dear Gerard, Please delete me from your email circulation now - I no longer commission but do administration/scheduling instead. I would therefore be obliged if you removed my email address from the website to avoid my getting submissions from writers. Regards, Barbara (Daniel), Little, Brown Book Group

Dear Barbara: I'll pass along the information that you no longer commission books and will put a (666) by your name to remind me not to send you any more e-mails but I can't take you off my website 'cause you're still a well-respected publishing executive. Here's an audio clip you might like. Thanks. G.

http://everyonewhosanyone.com/audio/GGch33m.mp3

Simon & Schuster UK, Ltd.
Africa House
64 - 78 Kingsway
London WC2B 6AH

(International Pocket Books, Scribner, Simon & Schuster, Free Press)

http://www.simonsays.com

Bloomsbury Publishing, Plc.
38 Soho Square
London W1D 3HB

http://www.bloomsbury.com

I'll fix things. Now if you could have someone around there buy the British rights to Ginny Good they would be most appreciative. Here's what the editor of The Bookseller said about it in The Guardian. Thanks. G.

Richard Charkin has a blog, upon which he had this to say about one of my innocent little e-mails and this to say about me:

I don't think anyone hates Gerard and certainly no-one that I know of minds his publishing names etc. Actually nonbody gives a damn about him.The question is why does he bother?!

Why he bothers is that books have become "product," merely another means to make nothing but money...not art, not truth, not beauty, nothing worth anything but money. Books themselves don't matter a whit, how much money they generate is all. With the right packaging, enough endorsements, a fair amount of expensive hype and a modicum of proof-reading, any piece of unreadable drivel can make some short-term money. That's the publishing industry's stock in trade. It's the same as the salami industry. There are truly great salamis out there that nobody's ever going to get to eat 'cause you don't see 'em advertised on the telly. The Audio Book of Ginny Good is a greater literary experience than everything Macmillan has published in the last twenty years combined but nobody's ever gonna listen to it 'cause nobody can make any money off it. It's free. That's anathema. G.

Well, I think Gerard is wrong. The publishing industry is full of people who care about books. He wants to believe the opposite simply because his proposals haven't been accepted as widely as he'd have liked. There are always two explanations of failure. One is that you need to try harder or get better. The other is that the world is conspiring against you. The latter is better for the ego. The former is probably the more likely.

I can't seem to get your comment thing to work, but here's what I tried to say: Well, I suppose you could read the book or listen to the audio and decide for yourself which explanation, if either, is true...neither of which you will do 'cause you like things to be as you perceive them to be, not as they are. Prove me wrong. I dare you. Heh. G.

Update, October, 2006

...I wonder when it will dawn on Gerard that it may not be a media conspiracy which is blocking his success but that readers aren't that interested in buying his book.

I've made myself up a new art form...The Occasional Exquisite E-mail Press Release. I'm gonna publish them on my website from time to time and send 'em to sundry people on the list of 15,000 agents, editors and publishers, movie agents, studios and producers, media guys, publicists, bloggers, book award guys and "creative" writing teachers I've come up with over the last four years who constitute the modern-day equivalent of the Reich Ministry of Propaganda and Public Enlightenment. Ha! That whole idea makes me happy. You've reprinted an early version of the first one, and for that I thank you, but here's the salient point to which you might want to pay closer attention. G.

"When you write a great work of timeless literature and get it published the way you want it published, whether it makes money or not is superfluous. What's even more superfluous is the sickeningly synthetic, book-doctored schlock and pretentious claptrap that wins awards and gets itself on "bestseller" lists. Keeping people stupid slaves can't be a very rewarding way to make a living. Can it? Nah. The geniuses who run the media and entertainment industries will understand that one of these days. Or not. G."

Gerard, I thought the purpose of writing was for people to read what is written. 24 copies is nothing really to be proud of. And while best seller lists are definitely not the only or the most important criterion of success being on them is not a sign of failure either.

The purpose of writing is to write something WORTH reading. The silly fluff that people BUY because of the hype it gets isn't worth reading or writing. All it does is make money. Big whoop. With enough hype, a recipe for Yorkshire pudding will sell a billion copies; without any hype great works of literature will go unread. If selling silly fluff is what you want to devote your energy to, knock yourself out. I prefer to devote mine to writing great literature whether it sells or not...read my stuff and see what I mean. I dare you. The proof is in the pudding. Heh. G.

so bitter...

so wrong...here's a little something to correct your flip, flawed impression. G.

http://grumpyoldbookman.blogspot.com/2005/06/gerard-jones-ginny-good.html

Dear Gerard, Happy New Year to you. I'm afraid I am writing to ask that my name and email address removed from your website again – you removed it last year but now I'm back on it. As I work in Rights I can't really help any of the aspiring authors who send in their manuscripts and proposals. Please could you remove me as soon as possible, thank you. Kate Harvey – Rights Executive.

Dear Kate, The best I can do is include your disclaimer and not send you any more e-mails, myself. My little directory includes all sorts of people who can't really help aspiring authors...if I got rid of all the people who can't help aspiring authors all twenty thousand people on it would be gone. Thanks. G.

Gerard Jones
http://www.everyonewhosanyone.com
http://everyonewhosanyone.com/ggsyn1.html
http://everyonewhosanyone.com/audio/GGch35m.mp3

Dear Gerard, I'm disappointed you won?t remove my name as it's disheartening to have to tell so many people that I'm of no use to them, especially as they must get the same replies from so many people. Nevermind, you may as well leave the listing as it is. Best, Kate.

Don't be disheartened. Most people don't get any replies at all. They're used to it...or should be, by now. My stuff's been rejected in one way or another upwards of a half a million times and I'm not disheartened in the least. Virtue is its own reward. Thanks. G.

Granta Books
2/3 Hanover Yard
Noel Road
London N1 8BE

http://www.granta.com

HarperCollins Publisher
77-85 Fulham Palace Road
London W6 8JB

(HarperCollins, Fourth Estate)

http://www.harpercollins.co.uk

http://www.4thestate.co.uk

Faber and Faber Ltd.
3 Queen's Square
London WC1N 3AU

http://www.faber.co.uk

Update: December 17, 2007

These chicken-hearted, mean-spirited, fascist Faber snots seem to have my e-mail address blocked! Woe, oh woe. I could use a different e-mail account, sure, but who needs the aggravation? I guess if I were one of the snivelling morons running Faber and Faber, I'd block e-mails coming from me, too...God forbid they should hear about anything worth hearing about. Yo! Faber boys and girls! If you wanna read a book worth reading, read this:

http://everyonewhosanyone.com/ggsyn1.html

Thanks. G.

This was entertaining but if you could not send me any more e mails I would be grateful. Will Atkinson

U got it. Here's a little Grateful Dead for you for all your trouble. Thanks. G.

http://everyonewhosanyone.com/audio/GGch22m.mp3

Grove Atlantic
Ormond House
26-27 Boswell Street
London WC1N 3JZ

(Atlantic Books, Guardian Books, Observer Books)

http://www.groveatlantic.co.uk

Hodder Headline, Plc
338 Euston Road
London NW1 3BH

(Headline, Hodder & Stoughton)

http://www.hodderheadline.co.uk

http://www.hodder.co.uk

Dear Gerard, While your self-belief is admirable and your website clearly a labour of, if not quite love, some strong passion, we brainwashed ostriches aren't too fond of spam. We prefer locusts - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ostrich - you will note that while I lack in wisdom, I can put a horse to shame with my speed. Please take me off your list. thanks, Suzie

Hey, Suzie, taking you off my list wasn't an option. I don't think. Was it? You are who you are and do what you do, right? Things like sign up Icelandic crime writers, yeow, how brave, how new, how different. I can, however, as I said, put a little mark (666) by your name which will remind me not to send you any more e-mails. If you would like me to do that, let me know. Oh, and here's a story about being deluded, just for you. Don't tell anyone else about it. Thanks. G.

http://everyonewhosanyone.com/audio/GGch31m.mp3

I meant e-mail list, Gerard, not the list on your site. I'm all for freedom of expression! Thanks. Good luck with the writing. Suzie

So you want the mark (666) by your name? I don't know, man, I'd think about it for a minute first. When you've got skill, you don't need luck, but thanks anyway. G.

Piatkus Books
5 Windmill Street
London W1T 2JA

http://www.piatkus.co.uk

Dear Gerard, I think my colleagues have said it all. Good luck with your venture. I always admire creativity and hope you find a way to make lots of money out of your site (even if you didn't achieve success in quite the way you had planned). Yours, Judy

PS We have a terrific list of self-help, popular psychology, business and mind, body and spirit titles (as well as our fiction) for your further inspiration. Details on our website.

Dear Judy: Thanks. I don't care if I make any money or not. It's self-help, popular psychology, business, mind, body & spirit (as well as fiction) all rolled into one. Now if I could only do something about nutrition. I appreciate your encouragement. G.

Dear Gerard, Try Patrick Holford's Optimum Nutrition Bible for everything you ever wanted to know about nutrition.....It will answer all your questions and much much more besides. Judy

Ever the marketeer. That's good. No wonder you guys are doing so well. Now if you'd get yourselves some really knockout fiction, like mine:

http://everyonewhosanyone.com/awsyn.html

you'd really be cooking. Thanks. I used to know a guy named Henry Bieler who sort of invented nutrition. I just thought of that. G.

Update: GINNY GOOD got sold, but there are some sub-rights still available, so go ahead and check out the link anyway. G.

(@) = Not a corporate fascist. (Feel free to apply for non-corporate fascist status...simply tell me in fifty words or fewer why you think you're not a corporate fascist.)

(*) = E-mail bounced. Correct information much appreciated. In fact, anyone who knows anything I don't know, let me know.

(!) = E-mail blocked (just mine, not yours), probably 'cause the intended recipient and/or the company by which he or she is owned and operated is an extra brainwashed, super chicken, corporate fascist goon.

(666) = Asked not to be contacted (by me, not by you), very likely because he or she is a happy little slave boy or a happy little slave girl and doesn't want it any other way, uh-huh, uh-huh.

Gerard Jones
everyone@everyonewhosanyone.com