Find (on this page): Ctrl+F

September 4, 2008

I've done all the fiddling I'm gonna do for awhile with Chapter Forty-One of Oprah's Dead Son. Here's an excerpt. Don't count on ever seeing it in print 'cause the only books you're ever gonna see in print are moneygrubbing bullshit books written by moneygrubbing bullshit writers, doctored-up by moneygrubbing bullshit agents, published by moneygrubbing bullshit publishers, promoted by moneygrubbing bullshit media dweebs and nd made into movies by moneygrubbing bullshit movie agents. Oh, in case anyone thinks the excerpt sounds "anti-Semitic," keep in mind it's fiction and that characters in novels are apt to say all sorts of silly things:

OPRAH'S DEAD SON Chapter Forty-one (excerpt) "Nothing you've said all day isn't anti-Semitic," Oprah says. "Cool. I must be on the right track. You've been brainwashed to believe there's nothing worse in the world than anti-Semitism. If you see or hear something that looks or sounds as if it may be vaguely critical of Israel or Jews in general or some random Jew in particular, you close your eyes, hold your hands over your ears and squawk like a chicken. Ayone perceived as anti-Semitic gets ignored, dismissed, called crazy. It's a closed, self-fulfilling, self-aggrandizing system, out of which not the slightest sliver of truth can ever hope to escape." "And you want to open it up? See to it somehow that uppity, moneygrubbing Jews get taken down a peg or two?" "Nope. I don't care what uppity, moneygrubbing Jews do, but I wouldn't mind it if you had the slightest clue that what I'm saying might just be a tiny bit true. It's a lot to ask, I know. The truth is anti-Semitic. It should be avoided at all costs. Try saying something anti-Semitic on your show someday. I dare you. You'll be off the air by the time they come back from the next commercial." "What did Jews ever do to you?" Oprah frowns. "Normal, nice, everyday, sweetiepie Jews who eat bagels and laugh at each other's jokes? Nothing. I like nice Jews. But the sniveling, sanctimonious Nazi Jews who run the media and entertainment monopoly pissed me off." "For not paying any attention to your stupid hippie book?" "Yep. And for being smug, smarmy, thoughtless Nazi thugs who rot a billion brains a day for the sake of making money. It's not just my stupid hippie book, it's any book worth reading or writing, anything worth knowing, anything that's not giddy, giggly, pop culture puke or fatuous, frivolous, facile drivel. The human mind has been turned into fascist, moneygrubbing mush in the past sixty years. The only things that are ever allowed into your consciousness are things that conform to the parameters of Nazi propaganda, period. If it doesn't make money you can't know it 'cause anything that doesn't make money isn't worth knowing. Those are the new parameters of Nazi propaganda. You can look 'em up in The New Nazi Propaganda Manual. It's put out by the Jews and guys who kiss up to Jews who run every aspect of media and entertainment from The New York Times to MTV—Rolling Stone, Comedy Central, Conde Nast, The Weinstein Company, Republicans, Democrats, publicists, agents, managers, you name it. Nazi propaganda pisses me off. When someone pisses me off I try to piss 'em off back. It's the least I can do." "In your own mind, maybe." "My own mind's what matters. Hitler would've pissed me off. I would've tried to piss him off back. Si Newhouse and Sumner Redstone and Peter Chernin and Charlie Rose piss me off. I hope there's something I can do someday to piss them off back. If you don't at least try to piss off the people who piss you off you might as well check yourself into Dachau—that's where you're living anyway..." Read the whole chapter and the previous two chapter here. Or not.

If you wanna listen to some sample chapters from The Audio Book of Ginny Good, click this:

http://everyonewhosanyone.com/ggsyn.html

Here's the real book of Ginny Good in its entirety for free (everything I do is free):

http://everyonewhosanyone.com/ggsyn1.html

If you want a copy of the whole huge fifteen-hour audio book extravaganza on .mp3 CDs, give me an address and I'll send you a copy. There's a bunch of other stuff on my little website, too. Click some links and see. Thanks. G.

Gerard Jones
everyone@everyonewhosanyone.com
http://www.everyonewhosanyone.com

"...they'll have me whipped for speaking true, thou'lt
have me whipped for lying; and sometimes I am
whipped for holding my peace. I had rather be any
kind o' thing than a fool: and yet I would not be
thee, nuncle..."

Random House
1745 Broadway
New York, NY 10019
(212) 782-9000

Random House Adult Trade Puslishing Group (Random House, Villard, Strivers Row, Random House Trade Paperbacks, Modern Library)

Ballantine Publishing Group (Ballantine Books, Fawcett, Ivy, Del Rey, One World, and Presidio Press)

Bantam Dell Publishing Group (Bantam Hardcover, Bantam Trade Paperback, Bantam Mass Market, Domain, Spectra, Delacorte Press, Fanfare, DPT, The Dial Press, Crimeline, Delta, Dell, Island)

The Crown Publishing Group (Bell Tower, Crown, Crown Business, Crown Forum, Clarkson Potter, Harmony Books, Shaye Areheart Books, Three Rivers Press)

The Doubleday Broadway Publishing Group (Broadway Books, Currency, Doubleday, Main Street Books, Grau/Spiegel, Nan A. Talese)

The Knopf Publishing Group (Alfred A. Knopf, Everyman's Library, Pantheon Books, Schocken Books, Vintage, Anchor)

http://www.randomhouse.com

Your manor is so ingratiating--but I'll have to pass. Bob Loomis

I have a manor? Cool. Maybe I'm rich. I doubt you'd recognize a decent book if you ever read one so I guess it's understandable that you have to pass. An old buddy of mine was going to build a manor once, down by Big Sur. Here's the story...listen to it and weep. Thanks. G.

http://everyonewhosanyone.com/audio/GGch06m.mp3

Dear Gerard Jones, On Nan Talese's behalf when she's away, I check her email from time to time and saw your note and attached review. Before we can move ahead, I need a little more information about both yourself and the proposed submission. Are you the agent or the author of GINNY GOOD? Are you an aquaintance of Ms. Talese? Please let me know. Thanks, with best wishes, Lorna Owen, Assistant Editor, NAN A. TALESE/ DOUBLEDAY

Dear Lorna, I'm the author. I'm not an aquaintance of Ms. Talese. I've liked reading books she's edited. I'd love either of you to take a look at the book I've proposed. Here's a sample chapter. Thanks again. Gerard Jones

Dear Gerard, Thanks for your kind note. We appreciate your interest in the imprint; unfortunately, we are not able to review works by writers without representation, because we're so overwhelmed by the sheer volume of submissions. We strongly feel the best way for your work to find a home is through a good literary agent who could come to your project with a knowledge of which editors would be best able to publish your book well. For example our imprint publishes mainly literary fiction and literary biographies. You might find helpful the website:

http://www.authorlink.com

Best wishes on your project, Sincerely, Lorna Owen

Dear Lorna, Thanks for your kind note. I know your imprint publishes mainly literary fiction and literary biographies, that's why I picked you to take a look at my book. It's the best of both of those things. Try doing things a little differently just for a change of pace on occasion. It's a truly unique and worthwhile project. I've included another sample chapter, and won't pursue it beyond this. Thanks again. Gerard Jones

http://everyonewhosanyone.com/audio/GGch31m.mp3

GINNY GOOD

Dear Gerard, Oh, well. I'm sorry. This has absolutely wonderful stuff throughout. It's funny, energetic, entirely original, often affecting in a strange way. But I found it too intermittently wonderful...uneven...and while that might be a problem (if it is one) fixable by, susceptible to editing, I'm afraid I also felt that after about sixty pages, the kind of urgency I was hoping would develop didn't seem to be developing. And indeed it goes on that way...at least for me. I didn't feel pulled through the peregrinations strongly enough. There's an episodicness which forces the book to rely on its generally riffflike nature. And, as I've said, I didn't find the riffs consistently strong enough to sustain the somewhat atomic structure. I'm sorry. It's much better than 99% of what I see, and I appreciate the chance to consider it. I hope I'm wrong, and I hope even more that you'll be able to place it elsewhere.

Dear Dan: I got your note. The only parts I understood were the parts about how wonderful it was. You lost me when you had to resort to combining jazz ostinatos with subatomic particle theory in order to explain why you're not going to publish the thing. Gary Fisketjon dissed it too, but with considerably less effusiveness. I appreciated what I was able to understand of your effusiveness, too; don't think I didn't. I also appreciated your having turned Chris Knutsen on to the book. I sent it to him. Feel free to turn it on to anyone you want--like maybe an agent or two. While it's true that I'm having a hell of a time trying to peddle the thing myself (see attachments), it's also true that the way things are set up a person probably does, in the end, much as I would like to think otherwise, need a professional peddler to do his peddling for him. Thanks again.

ASTRAL WEEKEND (OWMM)

Send me fifty, at least to start with. Thanks.

You got it. Thanks. G.

Dear Gerard Jones, OPRAH WIMSFREE & THE MAYONNAISE MAN isn't going to be right for me. I admired it in almost every way, but the tough-gal characterization seemed to me a little relentless after a while (though I'm guessing it may get modified as the book goes on). I think another editor might go for this, however, and because I do, I wonder if you would allow me to give these fifty-four pages to a very good agent I know, a guy named David McCormick who represents a lot of extremely good writers, including some novelists of whom these pages remind me a little. I can send the pages to him directly, if you like, or if you want, you can talk to David first or submit the pages directly to him. Let me know how (and whether) you want to proceed. I'm sorry not to be able to make an offer myself, I thank you for the chance to see this accomplished and funny writing, and I wish you luck. Sincerely, Dan Menaker

Dear Dan: You've really been cool with me. Thanks. Her character gets way modified, yes. She falls apart and gets put back together again worse than Humpty Dumpty. Absolutely, sure about David McCormick. He's at IMG, right? Anyone who edited the Ultimate Golf Book is okay by me. Give him a heads up & I'll send him a bigger chunk or send him what you have, whatever you think's best. Thanks again and again. G.

McCormick has his own (already quite successful) agency now, Collins McCormick, having left IMG a couple of months ago or so. Why don't you email him and ask him how he wants to handle this manuscript (and mention the golf common denominator, by all means)? I've given him a heads-up already, and he has said he'd like to see the work. Good luck. Dan

Will do. Thanks again. G.

You're welcome. And good luck. You're a good writer. I hope to rue the day I didn't make an offer.

Narrative nonfiction in the areas of biography, memoir, popular science, self-help, spirituality and current events. Representative writers: Richard Restak, Deepak Chopra, Jim Karas, Huston Curtiss, Roger Housden and John Spalding.

Under Shaye Areheart Books, Areheart's fiction imprint, she is looking to acquire contemporary, largely literary fiction. Some of Shaye Areheart Books' bestselling and critically-acclaimed authors include Chris Bohjalian, Jeanne Ray, Craig Nova, Roland Merullo, Mary Hays and Anne Roiphe.

Illustrated and non-illustrated nonfiction with a particular concentration in the cookbook category. Recent authors include Ina Garten, Steve Schirripa and Mario Batali. List also includes gardening, decorating, and other lifestyle titles from Sonia Kashuk, Douglas Wilson and Karen Duffy.

GINNY GOOD

Although I really enjoyed reading it, I'm afraid it didn't win me over completely and I will therefore not be making an offer. Gary Fisketjon

ASTRAL WEEKEND

I'm sure it's everything you say it is, but on the basis of these pages it is not, I'm sorry to say, up my alley. Best of luck elsewhere.

Well, you know more about what's up your alley than I do, but I'm telling you if it's not up your alley it should be and you're gonna be pissed you didn't take a look. Thanks for the quick response, though, and you're welcome to hear what the art of writing sounds like by clicking this link. G.

http://everyonewhosanyone.com/audio/GGch32m.mp3

I acquire books for Vintage/Anchor and for Pantheon and I also am in charge of Vintage Crime/Black Lizard.

Popular culture, music, film, humor, dating and relationships, divination, narrative nonfiction and trade paperback original fiction. Some of her recent authors have included Eddy Joe Cotton, David Konow and Marc Spitz. Oh, and WHATEVER YOU SAY I AM: The Life and Times of Eminem by Anthony Bozza.

Major business categories: management, strategy and leadership, finance and investing, narratives, and business how-to. Major authors include Larry Bossidy and Ram Charan, Patricia Seybold, Ram Charan and James glassman and Hevin Hassett.

Narrative nonfiction, memoir and narrative histories, including pop sociology and politics and general fiction. Interested in young writers with original voices and stories—especially those who write from a multicultural perspective. Recent projects include work by Edwidge Danticat, Victor Lavalle and Leon Wynter.

Dear Gerald Jones - Thanks for letting me see your novel, which I've now had a chance to read. I just don't see it as something for us. Good luck with the book. Sincerely, Vicky Wilson

Dear Gerard, You can list my interests as Women's oriented narrative non-fiction, history, and memoir; women's fiction, travel narrative; self-help; and spirituality. I work for the Broadway Books imprint within the Doubleday Broadway Publishing Group and we publish smart, commercial non-fiction-approx 75 original titles a year. Many thanks for including me. It sounds like a worthy project. I'd also be interested in taking a look at your memoir if you'd care to send it. All best, Ann Campbell

Dear Ann: Your comments were perfect; succinct, just right. Thanks. The memoir, GINNY GOOD, is represented by Laura Strachan at the Strachan Literary Agency. I'll copy her in this e-mail and the two of you can do whatever you may wish to do with one another. Thanks again. G.

GG Synopsis

Please list my interests as literary fiction and literary nonfiction. Thanks.

I specialize in Science Fiction and Fantasy. Thanks. Shelly Shapiro

Please add the following to my name: Please do not send me e-mail submissions. No response will be forthcoming. It is simply impossible to handle the inquiries that way. We do not accept unsolicited submission by either regular mail or e-mail.

Dear Gerard: Thank you for your recent inquiry. However, due to the overwhelming number of submissions received each week, as of March 1, 2000, the Random House General Submissions Board prohibits our Editorial Department from accepting unsolicited manuscripts. Thank you for considering us in your search for a publisher, and best of luck in the submission of your work elsewhere. Sincerely, Jessica Kirshner, Editorial Assistant to Kate Medina

Dear Jessica: So solicit the thing, then it won't be unsolicited. Ha! Thanks. G.

Okay, I'll bite. Please send your manuscript to my attention at the address above, Maildrop 21-2 (and indicate whether you want me to return it). Sincerely, Leyla Aker

Thanks for biting. No, I don't want you to return the enclosed, I want you to publish it, preferably before Christmas. I want to see it at news stands in airports by New Year's Day. All our sparkling wit aside, I do very much appreciate your taking the time to read the thing. It's kind of a bitch getting people to read stuff. Thanks again. G.

I think that your book has a lot of merit, but unfortunately, I'm going to pass on it. I found it entertaining and excruciatingly honest, funny and tragic, but find no compelling reason to publish it. I don't mean that to be as harsh as it probably sounds. One of the sad facts about this business is that we can't publish everything that we like or even everything that's good, and although your story is interesting, there's a lot of interesting life stories out there. The other problem is that Dead Ginny reads very much like a confession, or therapy session, or exorcism; it demands a lot of the reader and I'm not sure how much it gives back. Anyway, I appreciate you sending it to me and wish you the best of luck.ur book has a lot of merit. I found it entertaining and excruciatingly honest, funny and tragic, but find no compelling reason to publish it. Sincerely, Leyla Aker

It's not often that a person gets dissed with such high praise. The only thing I found missing in your note was a compelling reason not to publish the son of a bitch: "A lot of merit. Entertaining. Excruciatingly honest, funny and tragic. Good. Interesting. Demands a lot of the reader." The only thing you're "not sure" of is how much it gives back. What more can a book give than to have merit, be entertaining, achieve excruciating honesty, humor and tragedy, be good, be interesting and be demanding? I can name you nine million books Alfred A. Knopf has published that have given back less. I'm not ragging on you, you're a sweetheart to have read the thing in the first place, I just think you might have gotten a second opinion—it's really a seriously good and novel book. Nor is it too late to get a second opinion. I'll be happy to send it to whoever else around there you might want me to send it to. If that person says it sucks I'll be grateful to you all over again. If they love it, hey, you'll be a hero. Thanks a fourth time.

Would you mind removing both Nan A. Talese and myself from your list. Many thanks.

Yes. Thanks. G.

Sure, send a piece of it. Happy to look. All best, Susanna

Dear Susanna: I sent you several chapters of a novel a couple months ago. Here's a synopsis to jog your memory. What's going on with it? Thanks. G.

Hi, thanks for following up. I did read this but hadn't gotten round to responding yet. This isn't for me because I basically don't like fantasy, but thanks for following up my interest, and best of luck with it! All best, Susanna

Branded books; also interested in illustrated books about popular culture, urban history, cooking, and crafts.

Thank you for your inquiry. We do not consider unagented submissions. Please have your agent make a formal submission. Katrin Magnusson, Executive Assistant to Jenny Frost, President & Publisher, Crown Publishing Group

***Redacted***

Hey, Porscha, nobody at Random House is "allowed" to look at unagented submissions...for fear he or she will find something worth publishing, I guess. So if the authority to "formally request submissions" were the criterion, nobody at Random House would be on my little list, right? Fortunately, that's not the criterion. You're "someone" in adult trade publishing and I therefore can't remove you. I will, however, pass along the information you've provided. Thanks. G.

***Redacted***

No, no, I understood you. Here's the thing, nobody knows how things happen. Whatever your position, you're "in" publishing, and have some influence with your boss or bosses, who DO have the authority to acquire titles. If you came across something that knocked your socks off, told an acquiring editor about it and that book went on to be a big deal, you'd get a little feather in your cap, right? Oh, I hope so. Here's a clip that includes William Burroughs talking about how things happen. Thanks. G.

http://everyonewhosanyone.com/audio/GGch11m.mp3

Penguin Putnam, Inc.
375 Hudson Street
New York, NY 10014

(Ace Books, Avery, Berkley Books, Blue Hen, Dutton, G.P. Putnam's, Jeremy Tarcher, New American Library, Penguin, Perigee, Plume, Riverhead Books, Viking)

http://www.penguinputnam.com

I do not publish any fiction in my lists. Nor do I publish memoirs. The list that I handle Perigee, Avery, HPBooks, and Prentice Hall Press are primarily prescriptive non-fiction. You can check our web site for further details. Cordially, John Duff.

Dear Mr. Jones: When I responded to your email I did not expect to see my private response posted on your site. John Duff.

Dear Mr. Duff: I said I was "putting together a book and a website which will include all the pertinent information I can find about Everyone Who's Anyone in Adult Trade Publishing in the US, UK and Canada." Then I asked you, "Is there anything you'd especially like included about you or your interests or your company?" You said what you said, which was basically a reiteration of the information on the Penguin-Putnam website. Why you thought your response was "private" and why you did not expect it to be posted on my website I do not know. Thanks again. Gerard Jones

Dear Gerard, I would prefer not to be part of this directory. I do not accept unsolicited email queries and I've been receiving a lot of them -- now I know why. Please take me off the list. Thank you and good luck with your book, Lauren Marino

Dear Lauren: I can't take you off the list, but I can include the information you've provided. I hope that helps. Thanks. G.

Dear Mr. Jones: I very much enjoyed the freshness of your work, however, I find that there are two kinds of writers, those that want to write and those that need to write. If your story is as thinly disguised as I suspect, Mr. Jones, then you are one of the latter, and I count you in good company. Those who want to write, generally, want to be published and rewarded for their efforts. Those who need to write are primarily concerned with the product of their labors, recognition being an afterthought. In light of the current hard cover fiction market, I see no way in which your work will be published in its current state. Whether or not you wish to subscribe to the parameters of popular fiction in order to alter the fate of your work is up to you. In the end, you may be happier with the job at McDonald's. Warm regards, Hillery Borton

Dear Ms. Borton: You apparently want popular fiction to continue to be fatuous, formulaic and stupid. Why? Why not give people a chance to read something fresh and true? Something entertaining and honest and funny and tragic? You sound like someone with some integrity. Why, then, wouldn't you rather work at McDonald's than continue to promote the fatuous, formulaic claptrap and crap that passes itself off as popular fiction? Thanks for your warm regards. Gerard Jones

Dear Hillery: I got a letter from Seva Gunitskiy dated 7/31/01 which said: "Gerard, Go ahead and send the rest of the GINNY GOOD manuscript, but address it either to myself or to Hillery Borton, Putnam Editor. Best, Seva." I sent the manuscript in, addressed to both you and Seva, and haven't heard anything from either of you. It's been over a year. What's up with it? Thanks. Gerard Jones

Out of office auto reply: Hillery Borton no longer works at Penguin-Putnam.

Business and politics only, please.

DAW Books
(A Division of Penguin-Putnam)
375 Hudson Street
New York, NY 10014

http://www.dawbooks.com

(@) = Not a corporate fascist. (Feel free to apply for non-corporate fascist status...simply tell me in fifty words or fewer why you think you're not a corporate fascist.)

(*) = E-mail bounced. Correct information much appreciated. In fact, anyone who knows anything I don't know, let me know.

(!) = E-mail blocked (just mine, not yours), probably 'cause the intended recipient and/or the company by which he or she is owned and operated is an extra brainwashed, super chicken, corporate fascist goon.

(666) = Asked not to be contacted (by me, not by you), very likely because he or she is a happy little slave boy or a happy little slave girl and doesn't want it any other way, uh-huh, uh-huh.

Gerard Jones
everyone@everyonewhosanyone.com